I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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