Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
