Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
