my phone needs a breathalizer
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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