I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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