there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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