You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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