he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
