i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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