Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
