Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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