Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
