you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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