Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
