I'm so fucking centered right now
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
What a dumb baby whore.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
