It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
