you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
