I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sext me about skeletons
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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