Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
