She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
