I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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