So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
