i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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