I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize