just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Those nachos came to me in a dream
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
