Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
