I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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