Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
