meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
