You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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