If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You pole danced in your parka.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
