so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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