i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
