How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just pee around me
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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