Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
