Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
