I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
