If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
