one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The power of my boobs compel you
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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