So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
