i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
