U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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