I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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