i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
