It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
