If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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