you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
