were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
