You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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