If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
