drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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