I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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