We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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