I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
