who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
