You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
