So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
