1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize