Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize