I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
