I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
